this is the year i'm honest with myself. better. this is the year i admit my failures. more to the point, this is the year i admit my poverty, my potential unmet, a lifetime of financial failure, promises unfulfilled, promise unrealized.
for years beyond count i've locked off who i really am for fear of what it might mean to those around me. for years i've closed off my mind, afraid of what i might find there. to borrow some words from a favorite song, "if i show you my dark side, will you still hold me tonight? if i open my heart to you, show you my weak side, what would you do?"
but the time has come at last to open up my mind, take a deep breath ready for the plunge, and embrace who i am, and who i was meant to be.
i haven't written a word since the breakdown for fear of stirring sleeping nightmares again. the medicines, the therapy worked, but too well and now i feel achingly unfulfilled with all my professional choices since. i need to try and go there again, at least to see if it's still inside me...at least to say i did, in fact, try....i'm picking my pencil up from where i left it.
this is the year i finish the novel.
